This post was originally written for subscribers of the daily taryn, a daily-ish newsletter/writing project . Now's the perfect time to join, so I'll hold while you do so by clicking this. Love u.
This is a post that I can’t believe I’m writing, on so many levels. But here goes.
Let me start off by introducing myself. Hi, I’m Taryn Arnold. I’m 29 years old, grew up in Orange County, went to school at ASU, and have lived in San Francisco for 5 years. My parents are my friends, my friends are my family, and I try really hard to write as much as I can so I don’t forget the days and thoughts and things that make me me. I work in tech and do some creative stuff on the side when my mind gets a second to breathe. I’m dating someone I’ve known for 5 years and I think it might be the real deal, but please remember that’s just a part of me. Not the whole bit.
Now, why am I introducing myself at 5:47am on a Wednesday morning, on my own blog & newsletter to people who’ve read my shit for years and others who just recently popped in? Because life is funny and weird and here we are.
Context for the original subscribers: the past few months have been crazy, but the objectively craziest part of it all is that I’m now dating Cammie Scott. If you’re out of the social/youtube world, you might not know why this is worth noting — “why the fuck is she writing a thing about who she’s dating?” First, yes this is weird and wtf and huh, lol. I get it. Second, let me explain. Cammie Scott means a lot to a lot of people. A lot (a lot) of people follow her on social media/youtube, because she’s real and genuine and talks about social issues and health and wellness and being gay and her dog and skincare and life and never ever makes anyone feel weird for not knowing something or being someone that they aren’t yet, but wants to be. She’s easy and beautiful and smart and good at being a person, which is why so many people across the globe follow along and feel like they know her. Because they do, to some extent. If you’ve ever met Cam at a thing — on the street or a meetup or a speaking thing or idk, y’all will find her anywhere lol — you’ll know that she’s somehow better in person. She’s the realest. Nicest. Prettiest. Kindest. Actually looks at you when you talk. She’s the real deal — not this fake internet person who lives behind filters and edits and trendy background music. She’s real. And I love her for it.
“What’s it like - dating THE Cammie Scott?”
I did a Q&A on instagram last night, and wow, I can’t explain how many times I got this question (or questions about Cam in general). I get it — if I was a longtime follower and this new bitch walked into Cam’s life, I’d be curious too. I’ve been that person on the other side. I get it. And I’m sure we’ll answer some of your questions over time — how we met, how we started dating, what our next steps are, etc. — but for now, I wanted to give a peek into how weird this experience of dating Cam is.
It’s so weird to have people care about your relationship.
When I say care, I mean CARE. The amount of new followers I get. The attention. The eyes. Like, I get DMs every day of people saying “they approve” of me, or they’re “so happy to see how happy she finally is,” or every variant of our relationship being "goals/cutest ever/perfect/favorite couple” and more.
It’s bizarre.
I think there’s largely two things happening here.
First, people care in the way that I cared about Cam before I met her 5 years ago. They see a gay girl (or couple) that makes them think twice. That makes them feel normal and seen and heard and understood. That they can relate to. That they can look up to or envy or judge or whatever it is that they need to do in that moment to get through it. So, naturally, people see that Cam has a new girlfriend and all eyes come my way — who is she? Do I “follow” her too? Because a “follow” isn’t just a follow — it’s a representation of interest and intent and acceptance. You follow someone because you are yesing them. Buying into them. “On board” with them. It’s weird.
Second, since I’m a “normal person” with a desk job and average looks, people see me “winning Cammie Scott over” (yes, someone asked me how I managed that) and feel like they’re dating her through me, or they could. They go, “omg, if she can date Cammie (or someone like it), I can too.” So they watch and study and comment and like and feel like they’re getting this experience through me, a SIMPLETON, who scored the belle of the ball. Lol.
Sidenote: Do you know how weird it is to have your girlfriend constantly 1) get tagged in photos of her and her exes, or 2) get pursued when people know she’s in a relationship? Comments on photos of us. DMs. People literally sending stuff to her to woo her. Girls girls girls. Listen up. Lean in. She’s been wooed. I’ve got it covered.
It’s all very weird.
It’s so weird to think twice about what I post.
I post a lot on instagram. I write for this newsletter. I write on my website. I have a podcast. And my entire vibe on the internet is to capture and share whatever feels right in the moment. Whatever I want to share. I let my mind run and post whatever. Because if you’re following me, it’s likely because you enjoy that side of me. You agree with my judgement on what’s worth posting — the little moments, the messy drafts,the rants, the dumb shit without filters or reason or hashtags or brand deals. The little moments in between the big things that are actually secretly the biggest things.
It sounds cheesy, but sharing is caring. Some of my favorite people that I follow are just real. Chrissy Teigen just thinks shit and says it. She’s absolutely rogue, but never disrespectful. Justin Bieber — thinks and says. Some of it is so fucking wacky, but you see him. You see what he's like on his couch on a Tuesday. In his car when he’s tired. It’s the special side of social that, I think, is really underrated.
So, sharing the mostly-unedited parts of my life is caring to me — it’s showing that life is not curated moments and posed photos. It’s not perfect bodies and the best seats in the house. And when people show that side of them, I feel more understood. I feel less alone. So, that’s why I do it.
Now. Cam’s job happens on social media. My playground is her place of work. Cam doesn’t/would N E V E R police what I can/can’t post, but I’m hyper aware now. I’m thinking twice. It’s both fun and annoying as fuck. I probably shouldn’t post this pic of us at the park right now, because people will find out where we’re sat and although it would be nice to meet some new people, I kinda just wanna be on a park date with Cam. I probably shouldn’t share this bit of info because people will think it means something it doesn’t. I know that this thing that I’m writing right now — this very post — is something Cam purposefully won’t do, because she doesn’t want everything in her life to be online. She doesn’t want her life to be her relationship. She wants some privacy. She wants some things kept to herself.
That said, I’m a sharer. I overthink and overshare, and Cam loves me for it. So here I am, thinking twice. Editing a shit ton out as a write, but still writing, because it’s not like me to stop. I wouldn’t date Cam if I had to change parts of me to fit into her life. I’m me and she’s her and that’s fun — I’ll just go slower before I hit post and try to see things from every little angle, like I know many of you will ;)
It’s so weird to have people talking about you.
The next thing I’m going to say is something I CANNOT believe is real, but it is. When Cam and I started dating, I found out that there’s an online chat forum for lesbians around the world to chat/gossip/shit talk about other REAL people, and it’s public and it’s mean. I was shocked when I found this out. People care that much? I guess if I cared about something that much, I’d like to chat with people too. But people are really, at this moment, sat on their ass, looking at some forum, typing about me? Nice things and mean things, but mostly mean things?
Yes, the nice comments and DMs and emails and tweets and everything else outweighs the bad a million to one, of course. For every mean thing said, there’s truly a million nice. But it’s still SO weird to have mean shit said about you. That I’m a rebound. That I’m nothing like her ex from 4 years ago. That I’m x and y and z and everything in between. So when the million nice things come through, all I see is the 1 mean thing that leaked in too… which is… weird.
I don’t have drama in my life. People don’t really dislike me — I’m pretty unproblematic. I’m caring and kind and thoughtful and a lot of really good things. Until a few months ago, I can’t tell you the last objectively “mean” thing I’ve read/seen/heard about me. And now, because I’m dating someone that people “care” about, random people around the world say what they want and think I won’t see. Or, they think I will see, which is so fucking crazy to continue to type the words and say the things and then, post. “Yep. I like it. I like what this says about a girl I’ve never and will never meet, and know nothing about. Post. To the internet. For other people to see.”
Weird.
I did not ask for “this.”
I’ve only allowed myself to look at that stupid forum 2 times in the last few months because it throws me off every time. The last time I looked, someone said something along the lines of, “She thinks we’re not gonna talk about her? What did she expect, dating Cammie Scott? Of course we’ll talk about her. She asked for this.”
And by “this” I mean, having people talk about me/my relationship like they’re getting paid to report for gay TMZ. I really did not ask for that.
What I actually asked for, was to do life with someone I really, really like. Someone that makes me better. Someone that loves me for me. Someone that I can’t get enough of, so I’m forcing my airplane-hating-self to get on stupid airplanes every other weekend to see. Someone that’s gorgeous and goofy and simultaneously everything and nothing like what you’d expect. Someone that is a breath of fresh air personified. Someone that I’ve known for five years. Someone that I’ve spent 2 thanksgivings, 1 passover, 1 christmas, 1 new years, and a whole lot of bachelor mondays with. Someone that I feel weird not sleeping next to. Someone that texts me cute little things when I need it most, like she can read my mind. Someone that’s as crazy about me as I am about her. Someone that woke me up at 3am the other day so we could just “hang out,” and ended up crying laughing in the middle of the night before we went back to sleep.
I did not sign up to be the subject of your comments. But I’ll take it, because I signed up to date Cam — my friend turned girlfriend — and I’m so happy I did.
That’ll do for this morning.
It’s now 6:59am. Cam just got to boxing and I’m going down to the gym.
I don’t write this for sympathy or woe is me. I’m happy. Beyond happy. Happiest I’ve been. This isn’t bad, it’s just new. It’s so, so weird. I hope you don’t read this and go, “wow, this must be so hard” or “she wants to be left alone.” I’m just answering your question — ”what’s it like to date Cammie Scott?” — and I really hope it makes you think twice about what you say/don’t say online. What you do/don’t do. What you feel/do/say about the random girl someone you follow online starts dating.
Hi. It me. I’m the girl.
One thing I want to say is a huge, big, massive woah of a thanks to all the people that were following along with me before I dated Cam, and the ones that have joined since (for me though, not because I’m half of a relationship). I love to write and it’s beyond special to have an audience of people who actually truly care about what I have to say. It’s making me tear up just thinking about it. I’ve met some of you. Emailed with many of you. Read DMs and comments from most of you. And every time you say a nice thing, I appreciate it more than you know.
The internet is weird. I gained 5k+ followers in a few months, for dating a girl I’ve kinda always loved. I’ve become half of a “goals” couple. And you know what? I really do smile every time I get a nice DM or a comment or a something. A new subscriber or a new listener or a new fan of something I’ve made. I really like it. It’s a boost of happy in a weird world.
All said and done, I hope this didn’t read as a big “leave me alone” rant. Instead, I hope it reads like this:
Hi, I’m Taryn Arnold. I’m 29 years old, grew up in Orange County, went to school at ASU, and have lived in San Francisco for 5 years. My parents are my friends, my friends are my family, and I try really hard to write as much as I can so I don’t forget the days and thoughts and things that make me me. I work in tech and do some creative stuff on the side when my mind gets a second to breathe. I’m dating someone I’ve known for 5 years and I think it might be the real deal, but please remember that’s just a part of me — not the whole bit.
Psst. Hi. I can't believe you read this — it actually means the world to me. Now that you're on a roll of making me happy, I'd like to give you 2 options to keep the fun going. 1) If you'd share this with someone or a feed of someones, or 2) you joined my newsletter. If that's not your thing, I'll love you regardless, but I'll do some middle school love letter journaling about you if you do either. Head here to join my list of gorgeous subscribers.