This post was originally written for subscribers of the daily taryn, a daily-ish newsletter/writing project that is sometimes actually daily (like right now — Taryn is emailing those subs every day for 30 days straight). Now's the perfect time to join, so Taryn will hold while you do so by clicking this. She loves u.
the daily taryn season 3: episode 4
Why does it feel so damn good to feel needed? I actually don’t know, but it’s a lot of what I’ve been feeling lately. I’m going to work this out in real time, breaking down the needer (someone who needs something) and the needed (the person who can do the thing that’s needed) and trying to help myself understand it a little better. I need to.
Hi little needer
Needing something/someone feels so, so intense. Like, I don’t need a lot in a day. I could get by without laughing, chocolate, exercise, going outside — even eating enough isn’t really a need. But because of that, when I need something, I NEED IT. Now. Yesterday, really. When I get to the point of need, I’m desperate. I need toast. I need to be told I’m loved. I need an extra hand or I will drop this bookshelf and start bawling. I need water that’s slightly colder than room temp, but has zero ice cubes.
When I need something, I need it — it’s so obvious and clear that it makes every other thing I thought I needed the most pointless, liar of a need ever. And it feels really good to get it.
Hi little needed
God, being needed feels amazing. When the needer says, “Hi I need this!!” and you can give them the thing they need? Damn. Nothing makes you feel closer to a superhero. Need toast? Say no more. Need to be told you’re loved? Give me 10 minutes and access to Powerpoint and you’ll be told you’re loved in 10,000 ways. Need a hand so you don’t drop that thing? My arms are ready and willing and able. Need water? Lovely — would you like sparkling, still, or tap?
It feels so good to be able to give someone what they need. Incredible feeling.
I don’t know what you need / I don’t know what I need
In a perfect world, everyone would know exactly what they needed in every moment. They’d have the tools and experience to share those needs with the people who can help them, and they’d do it without fear or shame or any weird feelings that come up when you ask for things. You’d feel vulnerable, but the good kind — that kind that makes you feel open and empowered and like you’re doing something nice for yourself.
But oooooooooooooo, this is not a perfect world.
Approximately 1 million times a day, I need something and have no idea what it is. I bet you do too. Am I thirsty? Hungry? Insecure? Horny? Tired? Do I need toast, or just food? Do I need my brother to tell me he loves me or do I need to tell me I love me? Do I need to be alone or at Coachella? Do I need to stretch or run or be hugged or play Monopoly?
Ugh. Pour one out if you’ve been there. It’s such a frustrating place to be, as a needer, but also to witness as the needed. And this happens… A LOT in relationships — both in friendships and romantic ones. It happens about 10 times a day between Cam and I. It gets easier, but it never ends. And honestly, I don’t want it to end. Just as good as feels to get the thing you need or give the thing thats needed, it feels amazing to work those things out. To take the extra minute to decide what you actually need, or if you need anything at all. To sit with your partner or friend or dog or kid and come up with a list of 7 things they could need.
Not knowing what you need or what they need is a never (ever) ending game that, if played well, is so, so rewarding — no matter what side of the coin you’re on. It keeps you self-aware. It keeps you curious. It keeps you kind and patient. It keeps you trying and failing and trying and failing and after 10,000 water temperatures, you nail it. Then you try again tomorrow.
a challenge for your next few days
Be a very present, very mindful needer and needed.
As the needer — really think through things you need, how you can get them, and who can help. Don’t stomp around town (masked, please) demanding things left and right. But get quiet with yourself and think, “Hm. What is my life missing right now? What do I need? To make me happier, healthier, kinder, better?” Then — and here’s the hard part — ask for them. Open up to yourself. Needs are so, so important and if they are real needs, they deserve to be met. Pursue them. Work for them. Open up to a friend. Call someone. Break down. You got this.
As the needed — keep your eyes peeled, my friends. For the obvious needs, be there. Set aside your pride and your plans and your want to do whatever it is you want to do, and recognize that the needer is in need. Help them, with big and little, and give them every little bit of presence you’ve got. For the non-obvious needs, stay alert. Spend the next few days tiring yourself out a bit, looking out extra hard for the people around you. Help with the groceries before you’re asked — your mom could be stressed out of her mind and not know how to ask. Text that friend who you’ve lowkey known is not okay, but not known how to reach out. Comment on that picture someone posted that is obviously them feeling a little insecure and wanting to feel cute (Rona has done this to us all) — tell them they look hot or fit or you like their shirt. Look extra extra hard for the needs that people might not even be aware of, and take some gambles. It pays off.
Ah. That felt good to write. Needed it.
I can’t thank you enough for reading. If you liked what you read, share it with someone you think would like it too (and tag me!! I wanna see it and melt <3)