This post was originally written for subscribers of the daily taryn, a daily-ish newsletter/writing project . Now's the perfect time to join, so I'll hold while you do so by clicking this. Love u.
Wow. It’s been so long since I’ve sat down to write, it almost feels like I don’t know how. I’ll start slow this evening.
Hi. How are you? I hope good, but I’ll settle for “okay…?” or whatever default quarantine-life response you’ve settled on. If you’re looking for other options, try, "hanging in there” or “as good as I can be” or, a personal favorite, “it’s all weird and that’s fine.”
You know what’s the most weird? I, Taryn Arnold, a flawless almost 30-year-old living during a global pandemic, bouncing between 2 cities while not working for the first time in 5.5 years, just adopted a dog. I just… adopted a dog. I’m a mom. A dog mom, yes, but a mom. I just made such a life decision, it’s hilarious. i have to care for something or else it doesn’t eat or drink or live. Like, it’s on me. And Cammie, yes, but also yes, me. I keep laughing and wondering when I’ll regret this decision. But then I smile knowing I won’t.
I’m generally unsure about everything, so when I feel good and sure and yes about anything, I know it’s right. Maybe it’s my gut screaming loudly or fate finding it’s course. Maybe it’s the stars aligning or a happy accident. Or maybe it’s my brain and senses and entire being quietly assessing my current feelings to my old feelings. Maybe I’m remembering without knowing that I am.
Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say you’re eating an incredible burger. Damn, this burger. It’s everything you want. Juicy (if you like that). Cheesy (if you like that). Crunchy (idk?? what else are burgers supposed to be). And you’re sat there just positive that this burger is the shit. It’s the best. It’s so damn good. Your mouth and your nose and your brain are putting in all this work, saying “THIS BURGER IS SO GOOD BECAUSE OMG REMEMBER THAT ONE FROM FUCKIN’ CARLS JR THAT WAS LITERALLY TRASH????” But you don’t hear that. You’re just there. Eating that burger. Getting ready to propose to it.
You’ve only had good burger because you’ve once had a very, very bad one.
You have favorite vacations because you’ve had weird vacations that you lowkey wanted to end before they were meant to end.
You have an ex that you think of and go “aw” because you have an ex that you think of and go “LOL noooooo.”
You’ve had good conversations because you’ve had bad ones. Ones you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.
You’ve had good sex because you’ve had sex you wouldn’t dare have again, not even during quarantine.
You adopt a good dog because you’ve met 120931023 other dogs that you’d never, ever adopt.
You know good because you’ve had bad. You know bad because you’ve had good. It’s a pretty thought. Good and bad need each other. They make each other better. Stronger. Truer.
SO. All this to say. 2020 has been bad. Like, let’s own it. It’s been a shit-show of a year. I have cried so many times. I have experienced boredom — a feeling I don’t feel like I’ve felt since I was 12 — and been mad about it. I’ve had nothing to do and thought, “THIS IS SO BAD.” I’ve gone grocery shopping and had an anxiety attack on the drive home, because it’s all just feels so weird and surreal and bad. Just, bad.
But in the middle of all the bad, the good is just so, so good. It’s so clear. It shines like a spotlight in darkness. It’s so obvious.
And that’s why I adopted this dog. This little doberman mix — formerly named Maggie, now named Riggins — that is obviously good in a whole lot of bad. It makes her so much better. Sweeter. It makes her puppy teeth tolerable. It makes cleaning her pee off the fireplace (girl has weird pee preferences) that much easier. Because in some very dark bad, adopting Riggs was good. This decision was good. It was right. It was obvious, and if it hadn’t been such a dark time, I might’ve not been able to see that little light.
Cool. I hope your dark days have some obvious lights. When you find them, celebrate them. Sit with them. Soak up all the light you can. It’s dark out there, so look far and wide for that bright little something.
I can’t thank you enough for reading. If you liked what you read, share it with someone you think would like it too. :)